4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
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I bet
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
i choose….tongue
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Called it