In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
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Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…