Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
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kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
This meal prepping shit easy
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.