Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
You Might Also Like
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know