wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
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The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
OMG 🤣🤣