11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
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Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
blocked.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
A friend helps you before you need it
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.