[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
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If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
TODAY
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.