I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
You Might Also Like
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Happy thanksgiving!
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.