Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
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Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
A short story about romance.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.