FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
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Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
nice challenge
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl