I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
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*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake