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I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.