Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
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My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep