Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
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Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Oh deer
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.