DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
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Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny