Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
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one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
The pasta is now
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.