My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
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I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
new year update: losing everything but weight
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!