Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
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If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me