[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
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nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
My current situation
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario