What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
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Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.