DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
You Might Also Like
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Life with a cat in one tweet
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.