“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
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Erm…
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Before & after 😅
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel