*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
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I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”