[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
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Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom