Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
You Might Also Like
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
classic mixup
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
first you must answer his riddles
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do