This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
You Might Also Like
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?