The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
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The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
The real reason evolution started..😂
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why