Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
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can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Happy Febuary everyone!
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.