And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
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Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N