[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
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I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
#NeverForget
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*