2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
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PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
They’re called werewolves.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in