Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
You Might Also Like
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998