I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
You Might Also Like
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit