DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
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Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Kermit goes Blue.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.