Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
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Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.