good let them take over I have had enough
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saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
それは草
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars