Spring of Deception
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Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
me and who
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
PARKOUR
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is