How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
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Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?