The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
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It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
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Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.