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Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Living the best life.. 😊
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books