Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
You Might Also Like
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
me working on my assignments ^-^
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.