Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
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“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Hard not to take this personally
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink