I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
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[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.