in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
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How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”