People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
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opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour