Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
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Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”