Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
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“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png