Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
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If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through