I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
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Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no