My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
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It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Me redecorating every room in my mind
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?